turkey day lovin'

happy thanksgiving, all.  excited about hanging out with my slightly different family, today. :)

it used to be that thanksgiving was a day my dad cooked everything for everyone and make special desserts and all that jazz.  so it kind of hit everyone hard last year when he wouldn't be around to do that.  mom was scared that we wouldn't do anything at all (after years of getting together, NOT getting together is incredibly weird for my family).  so Brandon stepped up to the plate.  he cooked EVERYTHING.  it was amazing!  he poured his blood and sweat into making 37 different little things...there was so much food, it was ridiculous.  so much so, that each plate would be packed and nearly overflowing from people trying to get a little bit of everything he made.

and not everyone came.  some were uncomfortable, some were weird...no one knew how to talk to my mom or what to say...  people so were so wrapped up in how they were feeling about what was going on with my parents that they'd rather turn into ostriches than talk or deal with things openly (note to self, write about the illusion of "growing up/being grown up" another time).  but this year's different.  mom's happier than i've ever seen her, thanks to John.

John's this neat guy that mom's known for a very long while.  they used to work together a while back, so it's neat that they've reconnected.  he cares for her deeply, as she does for him.  they're both like giddy little kids.  this last saturday was their engagement party, and it was perfect.  casual, lovely, fun... and their wedding is in December!

that's right, mom's getting married. :)

so this year, i'm especially thankful for:

• John, who brought the sparkle back into my mom's eyes.  it's been a long time since i saw her so carefree and so cheerful.  there was so much hatred before, so much regret...i didn't know if she'd ever be ok.  thanks, John.

• and Brandon, for instilling a new tradition for our family and helping to act as a pin that held the fabric together back when it was falling apart.  my life is much more fun with you around, and i eagerly await the day that you and i get to have our own kickass wedding.

<3 love you guys

What's in a Name? I'll Tell Ya

i feel like ranting.  ooooh, do i ever.

i've never cared for my name.  it's weird to say.  it doesn't roll off the tongue like "heel-berrr-toh" does in spanish, but rather sounds like a mixture of lazy jumbled up sounds in english. ..."gyul-brrt."  ugh.  and believe it or not, it's never been funny when people have come up to me and said "oh!! you mean like in What's Eating Gilbert Grape ???!!" or "oh!! kind of like Dilbert, the comic!"  in fact, i hate these jokes so much that out of principle, i refuse to watch the movie.  never seen it, never will.

but i never really hated my name until just a few years ago.  my father an i have the same name.  if my father were the type of person that responsibly managed his life, as all men should, i wouldn't mind having his name.  hell, i may benefit from it.  but that is not the case, and i've had to deal with the consequences.

a few years ago, i tried to put in an application for an apartment.  the guy comes back and says that i have a history of bankruptcy on my account.  i calmly explain that my father had filed years back and that we just happen to have the same name.  he raises his voice, tells me that it was MY social that he ran, and so i can either pay an extra month's rent plus a fee, or i could leave.  i left.  (hilariously, this apartment complex is the one that Brandon lived in when i met him.  the ones i then lived in without their consent.  suck it, rude dood).

i work with the city of fort worth...same as my father.  whenever i want to send an email to someone, all i have to do is start typing a last name, and their name appears.  my father, being a supervisor (or something, i dunno) over at the municipal court, has lots of random people trying to communicate with him, all the time.  but, as the majority of people don't take 3 seconds to make sure they're sending emails to the right person,  they start typing "HERNANDEZ" and see "GILBERT" next to it, they go click-happy, and i get the emails.  lots of them.  all about municipal court crud, and warrants for arrests, and underlings talking about being granted certain days off, and HR people wanting me to show up for the managerial meetings scheduled on such-and-such date.  and so i reply, to each one, each time: "Wrong Gilbert" and not another word.  they giggle, they say oops, they apologize, but i leave it at that.

i graduated in May, which means that i expected to start receiving my student loan bills right around this time.  unfortunately, so did my father.  Nelnet, a company composed of flawed and imperfect people that make mistakes, started sending me his bills.......to my new apartment.  now, i had no idea that they were his, so i started adding up my loans and thinking i owed X-amount.  before making any payments, Brandon advised me to call and make sure they were mine.  turns out, nope.  they had my address listed as my mother's old house, while they had his address listed as my current apartment.  i made the necessary corrections to my account, BUT, because i am not the owner of HIS loans, i could not change the address on his account.  meaning, i will now receive, not only my own loans, but his, as well.

so you understand my frustrations, right?  i'm beyond eager to change my name.  my last name means nothing to me, and i have a hubs i'm crazy-noots for.  i won't change the first name (even though it sucks), because i also don't see myself as anything but a Gilbert.

my dear friends, my loved ones, my family... don't bless your child with the same name as a parent.  it brings nothing but trouble and frustration.

<3

PS - also, stay away from stupidly spelled or ridiculous names.  i will absolutely make fun of you and/or your child. (Chone [Sean], Dallas, Amerika, Will.i.am)

home is where the heart and all our stuff is

oh daaaaaaamn, it's been a long and worrisome few months.  or year-point-five, even.  it just feels like we've been swirling around in seemingly bad luck for a while.  moving to new states, growing pains, apartment break-ins, family drama, jobless-ness, work burnout, depression, finding new homes, and death.  we've had so much to deal with on our shoulders, all at once or right after another, that it feels as if much more time has passed.  this house...it's gonna be a lot of work.  there are walls to paint, floors to completely redo, a shower to rebuild, an a/c unit that will very likely give out soon if it hasn't already, countless holes to patch, and doors to replace.

but it'll finally be our place!  wall-e will have a small yard to run around and play in, we can play the drums, sing, hell...even go to the bathroom without having to hear our neighbors flush their toilets.  i'm excited about not having most of our things in storage...we'll be able to set up and decorate from scratch...a place that'll feel like us.

but most of all, i feel like it's a fresh start.  i think we've gotten so bogged down lately, that we haven't really been ourselves.  we haven't been comfortable.  and unfortunately, when i say "we," i mean "i."  the hubs is a stresser - it's what he does.  he stresses about money, he stresses about the economy, he stresses about our friendships... and i'm a calmer.  i calm him down when he worries, i cheer up friends when they're down, and i try to remind people to smile, 'cause we're all gonna die one day, so we may as well smile on the way there.  but...every now and then, the backpack gets a little heavy and the littlest thing'll knock me over.

and so i apologize.

i apologize to my friends for being quite the shitty friend, this year.  i want to see you more often.  i promise i will make more of an effort for you.  i will be there for you


i apologize to my family for not being there when you needed me.  i will make more time for you.  i will be there for you.

i apologize to my husband.  i've been detached.  i haven't smiled as often for you.  i love you, and i always will.  i am here for you.

and i apologize to myself.  i have neglected my sanity.  i have stopped focusing on the beautiful things and had become overly apathetic.  i will smile more.  i will be more honest.  i will make more music.  i will sing more often.  i will draw.  i will make more time for me.

didn't mean for this to turn...mopey or anything.  but getting this house, beginning this new stage in our lives, and thinking a lot about where my life is going has forced me to re-evaluate everything lately.  this will serve as a new year's resolution of sorts, too, i guess.  i haven't felt the need to make one of those in a very long time.  but now's a good as time as any to break everything down and begin to rebuild.

<3

PS - @kadielynn83: thank you for reminding me of what's important.

Expired Dreamcatcher

so i've been dreaming lots, right?  at first, it was only work-oriented dreams that were seeping into my nightly escapades and making me forget what my work schedule is in real life.  now, i'm starting to dream up non-existent school realities. aaargh!

few weeks ago, i remember telling the hubs that i vividly dreamed i was rushing around my old high school, trying to find where my classrooms would be located for the next semester.  out of nowhere, a crazed Wolverine (not the animated one) starts smashing through walls trying to get at me, for no apparent reason but that i am always the main focus of whatever is happening in my dreams.  makes me sound like an ass......... way to go, unconscious. -_-  later that dream, once i'm in class and no longer being chased around, i distinctly remember two different teachers assigning essay assignments.  on the first day of class!  bitches.

so, the other day, my unconscious decides to vividly continue on with the direction this last dream began.  it was 8am and on the way to my first class.  it's no longer high school, by the way.  my dreams have decided that in order to make sense and confuse me, they had to occur in a college setting.  ......so no Wolverine, obviously.  anywho, so it's 8am and on the way to class, i find out from a classmate (real chick) that those 2 essays i was to assigned were due that day!!  my goddamn unconscious decided to weave dreams together!  i start freaking out, then calming down and planning my next move.  i'll simply tell the truth, tell my professors that i wasn't prepared.  i'll skip the first two classes (one essay due in each of these said classes), write write the papers, and then submit them later that day.  things like this have totally happened to me in real life, by the way.  but that is neither here nor there.

suddenly, i wake up, look at the clock, see that it's 7am, and start freaking out.  ten seconds later, i realize that i was dreaming, and that i've graduated from shit-university almost half a year ago now.

way

to

go.

freakin' unconscious makes me confuse work schedules and then makes me relive the adrenaline rushes that come with being an amazing procrastinator.

<3

PS - why the hell can't' i be a lucid dreamer?  why couldn't i just pull an Inception-trick, realize that i'm dreaming (i need a totem!), and make Wolverine undress???

No More Prime Numbers / Death Becomes Us

so, october is kind of a big deal.  it IS my birthday month (YAAAY, a prime number no longer!), i've been beyond hyped about finally getting a new tattoo, and i'm even more excited that the weather is (slowly) relaxing its heated death-grip on world!! i'll be able to start taking Wall-E out for walks again!  poor guy has been holding it in all summer.

now, when i first started thinking of what this non-fascinating things this entry would cover, i thought i'd have a good whine about how the months of november and december were going to suck.  i'll have to start paying back my student loans in november, and our lease is up in december, so we'll have to find a new place to live.  the combination of the two had slowly started to stress me out.

and then, two people died.  one was a coworker/manager who i've known for a long while, and the other was the mother of another coworker.  death doesn't freak me out or anything.  quite the opposite.  i find a sort of peace in what death entails.  there's something beautiful in the knowledge that the only absolute truth, the only guarantee, is death.

the funny thing is...it's not the actual death, but rather the reactions of everyone else that get me thinking about my own mortality.  i've been wasting my time worrying about what kind of a place i'll live in or who will live around me.  i've been wasting my time wishing i made more money, when i've never been the kind of person to give second thought to things like that, before.

and i'm ashamed of myself, honestly.  i know better than to let myself worry about things as absurd as apartments or loans or bills.  i mean, i know they're important and i know that i need a place to live and that i need to payback what's put me through school... but they're still absurd.  they're not what give me my happiness.  they're not the things that i find real meaning in.  i have someone whom i love wholeheartedly, and he loves me in return.  i am surrounded by people, physically and not.  i have an abundance of "things" and i honestly do not have a list of wants or needs.

above all, i am alive.  it is my responsibility to recognize the absurd and live experientially.  all other things are simply insubstantial and meaningless byproducts.  the poop of life, if you will.  :)

i'm not happy about these aforementioned people/friends/coworkers, but i'm also not saddened by their deaths.  there were so many people that cried and smiled and told stories... that's all anyone could ever ask for.  stories are signs of life.

i'm grateful that these deaths that have reminded me of what's important, and it is meaning with which i will fill my tattoo.

<3

PS - the head is totally not penis-shaped.  everybody wins!

Eveything Eventually

my tattoo sketches are finally done! the concept was easy to come up with, but it's taken me a while to get juuuuust the right design. the hubs didn't care for most of my sketches at home, and at work, i had my lovely coworker Evelyn to judge them harshly. afterall, this one's gonna be visible, so i didn't want to sketch something that people are gonna go "durr, that looks like insert-something-stupid-here."

so, ok! i was originally looking up sketch-ideas for an ouroboros design. the ouroboros is supposed to represent, not only the undestroyable "origin" of things that recreates and sustains itself, but also the unchanged and untarnished "child" that exists within people. in searching for images of the ouroboros, i came across someone's rendering of a quetzalcoatl in ouroboros-form. the mesoamerican god's name translates to the "feathered serpant," so i started sketching feather-y like snakes, but i couldn't really find one that i liked. i kept finding dragon-looking heads and weird statuesque faces that looked like snake-monkeys.

last thing i need is this friendly doofus staring at me, everyday

finally, i decided to start taking more creative license with the design. i don't know why i hadn't before... i used to sketch and draw stuff a long while back, but i haven't really busted out any sketchbooks in a very long time. i'm not one to really feel like drawing when i'm in a non-depressive mood. emo...i know.

unfortunately, the sketches i was coming up with sucked. really bad. i came up with the perfect head-design, but the part of the tattoo that would connect said head to the rest of the body kept turning out like other crap. i tried designing wings with a celtic knot-esque design, but they looked like a raabit face. i made the entire torso design out of triangles and sharp spokes and Evelyn said it looked like i'd drawn the Decepticon logo from Transformers. DEFINITELY the last thing i want is for everyone to see my tattoo and go "YES! Transformers!!" now, i love me some Transformers... but i don't want them on my person without my permission.

so i did the mopey thing a couple of days ago...came home and tore up the page i'd been sketching on. i took out my old sketchbooks for the first time in 73 years and started flipping through the pages. not to say that i was any good back then, but holy shit, it's as if i'd completely forgotten how to do anything with a pencil in my hand. i stayed up drawing that night, and now i have my perfect tattoo sketch.

i used to draw feathers and wings aaaall the time

my tattoo will start on the top of my left foot and slowly wrap around my ankle 1.5 times, while slightly rising, and finishing on the back of my leg.

i kind of like the contrast between this tattoo and the last. the one on my back is personal and its meaning lies between my partner and i. this one's included everyone in its creation, and everyone will be able to see it (especially since i looove to wear shorts and sandals all year round ^_^).

the most exciting thing is that the hubs seems to finally be on board.  after more of his usual moaning-and-groaning, i told him that he'd better learn to be ok with it, since it was going to happen whether he wanted it or not, and that it was, above all things, permanent.  he surprised me by stating that he'd probably like it once it was actually on me, and that my design was kinda cool.  i also told him that i'm going to go super nerdy with the next tattoos, but that can wait for next year's birthday. giddy giddy me!

<3

PS, everyone at work liked my tattoo idea!!  Evelyn did too, though she said the head reminded her of a penis. i'm ok with that. ;)

Dreamscapes and Permanent Symbols

so i don't normally remember my dreams. i vividly remember many more dreams from when i was a young'n than any recent ones (though...that's probably 'cause most of those were terrifying and traumatic nightmares). however, i guess my crazy sleep schedule has caused my brain to suddenly attribute some importance to what it spews up at night. in the last 3 days, i've recalled being chased around my high school by Wolverine (not a sexual dream, regrettably -_-), and losing one of my earrings.

the former was just weird and random, and i didn't try to read anything into it, but the latter really freaked me out. i woke up unsure of whether it had happened or not and hesitantly reached up to feel if it was still there or not. my earrings are very special to me. i wear one black one on my left ear and one silver one on my right ear as constant reminders of a need for "balance." i never switch them out and i never wear anything else - they're very important to me.

and while we're on the topic of body alterations... i told myself when i was but a wee-little gay boy that i wanted to do something special for myself every birthday since i turned 18. that day, i got my cartilage pierced (this has since been removed 'cause the hubs didn't care for it. not too special. it's ok). when i was 19, i got my two regular ear-piercings. and at 20, i got a tattoo on my upper back. BUT, i haven't done anything since! so, this year, i've told myself that i will not waiver from my original plan and i've been working on various tattoo ideas. i've been going over them with the hubs, 'cause, even though i know it's my body and all that blah-blah stuff, i respect his opinion and i won't get anything that he wouldn't like.



i've come up with a few ideas, but i'm PRETTY sure i've decided on which one i'll be getting next. i'm really excited!! the idea i have will be a little less...hidden...than my previous one. *nerdy squeal*


finally, i think Gears of War 3 came out today. i'm so angry with myself for never having played the series. i did see a GoW1+2 pack at Gamestop a few weeks ago, so i think that'll be the first thing i pick up. then, depending on whether i like the series or not, i'll either continue with it, or switch over and buy that one zombie game that everyone (except me) is playing.


i haven't touched my Xbox for anything other than Netflix in weeks. how shameful.

<3


PS, i don't want to say much on this topic... but i'd totally get someone fired for doing/saying something insulting and unethical, regardless of the fact that they're close to retirement. age doesn't supersede propriety. i guess that makes me a bad person (it doesn't).

first blogger-thingy-post ever! hurraaay *confetti*

my original idea was to somehow manage to transfer all of my livejournal entries over to blogger, serving as my background of writing-ness.  unfortunately, any of the tools and programs that i found that may have worked 3 years ago (that's when they were all last updated -_-) didn't work.  even if i didn't end up transferring everything over... it would've been nice to be able to save them all into some massive file for safekeeping.  but it's not like i actually planned to one day go back and read them all.  so no sleep lost.

so anyway, last night, i somehow fell asleep much earlier than usual.  normal bed-time is about 1am...possibly later.  i remember flipping through Netflix movies on the xbox and wondering what would be fun to watch, when next thing i know, i open my eyes and the apartment is completely pitch black.  i'd fallen asleep.  all the lights are off, the puppy (Wall-E) and the kitten (Lebowski) are gone, and the hubs can be heard snoring in the bedroom.  i join him and sleep off and on for the next few hours, finally deciding i couldn't sleep anymore around 4:30am (fucking fantastic - my day off and i'm awake since before dawn).  after the hubs returns from work, he bestows upon me the knowledge that, not only had i fallen asleep at the RIDICULOUS hour of only 9:30pm, but that i'd fallen asleep sitting up with the controller in hand.

classic.

today was spent catching up on movies!  hurray!  i usually don't make have time to watch movies at home, so it was really refreshing, even if i didn't get much else done.  i watched Foxy Brown, an awesome and sexy movie, starring Pam Grier (who came to visit our library a while back, and i had no idea who she was x_x), and Rabbit Hole, a sad-but-not-tear-inducing movie about a couple who struggles to cope with life after the loss of their son.  i was absolutely fascinated with this second movie.  it wasn't really deep or anything, and it wasn't overly sentimental, which i appreciated... it just felt like the telling of a story.  no real plot, no climax, no beginning and end... just cultivation in a vacuous space.

that's the logical part of what i got out of it, anyway... honestly, the movie had me reflecting on what i personally do with the memories i'd rather not recall.  the movie's couple often asked the questions "what happens now?" and "will this go away?" and the answers they were given (or not given) heavily resonated with me.  there's this one particular scene where nicole kidman's mom says something like "you never get over it.  you carry it around like a brick in your pocket.  sometimes you forget for a little while.  but then sometimes you'll reach in for something and go find it all over again. 'oh, right. that.' "  and i knew exactly what she was talking about.  i haven't lost a son or experienced any great loss, mind you.  but i know well the feeling of wishing i could bury a memory and not have to see it again.

emotional shit aside, yaay, i got a day to watch some movies!!  we later had dinner with some friends, shot the shit and gossiped about people we know and dislike.  a good relaxing day off.

<3