Quite a few boxes of tissues later, I've finished reading Wonder, by R.J. Palacio and I can honestly say that, so far, no other book has affected me so emotionally. Now, I'm a pretty sappy reader; it doesn't take much to get me teary (which I'm sure this is no surprise to anyone). This book, though...
holy crap.
This book pushed me way past the point of "definitely don't try reading this in public." I sobbed. I wept. Don't think that it was only during the book's climax or some critically sentimental point or anything like that, either. Every few pages, this book repeatedly slammed into every one of my old emotional triggers, re-opening wounds and reintroducing feelings of abysmal loneliness, intense hatred, overwhelming self-consciousness, and utter self-loathing that I'd not delved into in a very long time.
This book is about a normal, geeky, Star Wars-loving boy, named August, with an incredibly unlucky fate - a rare combination of craniofacial anomalies has "...waged war on his face." The book doesn't immediately specify his anomaly, and so the story lets you imagine your very own version of Auggie, as if tempting your imagined stereotypes with the tagline "I won't describe what I look like. Whatever you're thinking, it's probably worse." But the book is really less about what he looks like and more about what kind of people exist in the world.
Auggie's going to start school for the first time... middle school. Auggie expects the stares, the second glances, and the fake smiles as he's experienced them his entire life. He doesn't expect the viciousness of children. See, no one knows who they are in middle school and people grasp left and right for a place to fit in, resulting in personalities of all kinds thrashing about like wild suffocating beasts... regardless of what fragile things lay in their path. There are somewhat-friends, there are mean-looking nurses with golden hearts, and there are kids who blatantly shoot deadly words in the middle of class.
And all of this took me back. Granted, I can't possibly compare my life to one of a boy experiencing life away from his neighborhood for the first time, his specialness marked into his very flesh. But the way Auggie describes his experiences - walking in hallways with his head down while hiding behind his mother and inwardly begging people not to notice him, listening to someone speak and then hesitate or falter for a brief almost unnoticeable second before continuing: "She noticed me." - overwhelmed me completely.
Kids can be utter shit.
The book also has these "precepts" that Auggie's English teacher uses to teach his course. They're all about growth and being better people, and the first one immediately reminded me of the letter my 8th grade English teacher shared with us on the last day. Y'know... that same one I've written about before, instructing us to "be people of integrity." See? Hitting all kinds of emotional triggers.
I don't expect people to have the same emotional reactions that I did, but I do think everyone should read this book. Even if there's no emotional connection and even if there's a difficulty empathizing with a character who exists in a reality so different from one's own, this book must be read. I'll close with the list of Mr Browne's precepts, because I think their beauty stands to make a point outside of the wonder that is this book.
Also the book trailer, 'cause it's what first sucked me into this experience
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=fgB7_KpBDss
<3
"When given the choice between being right or being kind, choose kind." -Dr. Wayne W Dyer
"Your deeds are your monuments." -inscription on an Egyptian tomb
"Have no friends not equal to yourself." -Confucius
"Audentes fortuna iuvat." (Fortune favors the bold.) -Virgil
"No man is an island, entire of itself." -John Donne
"It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers." -James Thurber
"Kind words do not cost much. Yet they accomplish much." -Blaise Pascal
"What is beautiful is good, and who is good will soon be beautiful." -Sappho
"Do all the good you can,
By all the means you can,
In all the ways you can,
In all the places you can,
At all the times you can,
To all the people you can,
As long as you ever can."
-John Wesley's Rule
"Just follow the day and reach for the sun!" -The Polyphonic Spree, "Light and Day"
3.22.2013
on finding someone / a world different and not
For the second time this year, I've been asked by someone I don't know well to help find that special someone. I've only just recently met her online, and so I was incredibly surprised and honored to be tasked with such a thing. I had to find a way to say "I can't do this for you, you gotta do it" without scaring her with how challenging it can be (I think she's also recently come out to herself), while simultaneously pushing her towards a path of personal growth in a world that is changing, but far from kind to people who are different.
When it was finished, I realized I'd not given the same effort to the first person who'd made the same request of me. He quickly latched on, emotionally, and I instantly felt the intense need for space. The result was a very long and drawn out scenario which felt like someone trying to break up with me. Unfortunately, my emotional disconnect let me feel as if this was tedious and annoying; I stopped caring for what he may have been going through and I stopped wanting to help.
The two situations were asking the same of me and yet, because one did not demand it, I was able to connect and care enough to write from the heart. In posting what I wrote to her, I hope for two things: to alleviate some of the guilt I feel (now, but not then) for not devoting the same amount of effort when I could have; and to share it with some of my friends whom I know feel the pangs of loneliness and wish they had someone by their side, gay or otherwise.
<3
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
above all, i'm incredibly honored that you'd place such a task in my hands.
but let me tell you why i can't do this for you or anyone else...
finding that special someone... finally finding the person who will become your best friend and lover, someone who you know will always be there, someone who knows you down to the very soul... finding this person is a journey and experience in itself. i couldn't possibly do this for you.
dating in this world is both the same as the heteronormative one AND vastly different. we can't just go up to the people we find ourselves attracted to and say "hey! wanna date?" because they may not be of the right persuasion. we can't walk around with a sign around our neck that screams "HEY, I'M GAY, ASK ME OUT" 'cause well, that's silly, right?
so it's different. it's a challenge. it's a path of bumps and wrong turns, heartache, mistakes, happinesses, and warmth... but above all, growth. you will learn more about yourself in how you react to others. you will learn what kind of person you are at your lowest and your highest. you will be tested by the most insignificant things that you had no idea existed and you will learn waaaaay too much about other people than you'd probably ever want to know.
and sometimes, the loneliness may be so much that you'll want to just stop. some people do. but if it's that important to you, if it's something you truly find meaningful, then don't. because the path, whether short or long, will be so full of memories and experience that you're constantly reminded at each step of how you're a different person than you were the day before.
there are nearly countless numbers of possibilities for whom we may find personal peace with. and some of them will wait in coffee shops, some at sporting events, some at bars, and some online, because they're just as shy about meeting people out in the open.
you'll have to learn to be honest and open. you'll have to learn to put yourself out there and just be you in such a true and honest way that when a person sees, hears, and gets to know you, there are no games, no masks, no lies to work around.
always be yourself and just have fun on the way. :)
When it was finished, I realized I'd not given the same effort to the first person who'd made the same request of me. He quickly latched on, emotionally, and I instantly felt the intense need for space. The result was a very long and drawn out scenario which felt like someone trying to break up with me. Unfortunately, my emotional disconnect let me feel as if this was tedious and annoying; I stopped caring for what he may have been going through and I stopped wanting to help.
The two situations were asking the same of me and yet, because one did not demand it, I was able to connect and care enough to write from the heart. In posting what I wrote to her, I hope for two things: to alleviate some of the guilt I feel (now, but not then) for not devoting the same amount of effort when I could have; and to share it with some of my friends whom I know feel the pangs of loneliness and wish they had someone by their side, gay or otherwise.
<3
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
above all, i'm incredibly honored that you'd place such a task in my hands.
but let me tell you why i can't do this for you or anyone else...
finding that special someone... finally finding the person who will become your best friend and lover, someone who you know will always be there, someone who knows you down to the very soul... finding this person is a journey and experience in itself. i couldn't possibly do this for you.
dating in this world is both the same as the heteronormative one AND vastly different. we can't just go up to the people we find ourselves attracted to and say "hey! wanna date?" because they may not be of the right persuasion. we can't walk around with a sign around our neck that screams "HEY, I'M GAY, ASK ME OUT" 'cause well, that's silly, right?
so it's different. it's a challenge. it's a path of bumps and wrong turns, heartache, mistakes, happinesses, and warmth... but above all, growth. you will learn more about yourself in how you react to others. you will learn what kind of person you are at your lowest and your highest. you will be tested by the most insignificant things that you had no idea existed and you will learn waaaaay too much about other people than you'd probably ever want to know.
and sometimes, the loneliness may be so much that you'll want to just stop. some people do. but if it's that important to you, if it's something you truly find meaningful, then don't. because the path, whether short or long, will be so full of memories and experience that you're constantly reminded at each step of how you're a different person than you were the day before.
there are nearly countless numbers of possibilities for whom we may find personal peace with. and some of them will wait in coffee shops, some at sporting events, some at bars, and some online, because they're just as shy about meeting people out in the open.
you'll have to learn to be honest and open. you'll have to learn to put yourself out there and just be you in such a true and honest way that when a person sees, hears, and gets to know you, there are no games, no masks, no lies to work around.
always be yourself and just have fun on the way. :)
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