For the second time this year, I've been asked by someone I don't know well to help find that special someone. I've only just recently met her online, and so I was incredibly surprised and honored to be tasked with such a thing. I had to find a way to say "I can't do this for you, you gotta do it" without scaring her with how challenging it can be (I think she's also recently come out to herself), while simultaneously pushing her towards a path of personal growth in a world that is changing, but far from kind to people who are different.
When it was finished, I realized I'd not given the same effort to the first person who'd made the same request of me. He quickly latched on, emotionally, and I instantly felt the intense need for space. The result was a very long and drawn out scenario which felt like someone trying to break up with me. Unfortunately, my emotional disconnect let me feel as if this was tedious and annoying; I stopped caring for what he may have been going through and I stopped wanting to help.
The two situations were asking the same of me and yet, because one did not demand it, I was able to connect and care enough to write from the heart. In posting what I wrote to her, I hope for two things: to alleviate some of the guilt I feel (now, but not then) for not devoting the same amount of effort when I could have; and to share it with some of my friends whom I know feel the pangs of loneliness and wish they had someone by their side, gay or otherwise.
<3
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above all, i'm incredibly honored that you'd place such a task in my hands.
but let me tell you why i can't do this for you or anyone else...
finding that special someone... finally finding the person who will become your best friend and lover, someone who you know will always be there, someone who knows you down to the very soul... finding this person is a journey and experience in itself. i couldn't possibly do this for you.
dating in this world is both the same as the heteronormative one AND vastly different. we can't just go up to the people we find ourselves attracted to and say "hey! wanna date?" because they may not be of the right persuasion. we can't walk around with a sign around our neck that screams "HEY, I'M GAY, ASK ME OUT" 'cause well, that's silly, right?
so it's different. it's a challenge. it's a path of bumps and wrong turns, heartache, mistakes, happinesses, and warmth... but above all, growth. you will learn more about yourself in how you react to others. you will learn what kind of person you are at your lowest and your highest. you will be tested by the most insignificant things that you had no idea existed and you will learn waaaaay too much about other people than you'd probably ever want to know.
and sometimes, the loneliness may be so much that you'll want to just stop. some people do. but if it's that important to you, if it's something you truly find meaningful, then don't. because the path, whether short or long, will be so full of memories and experience that you're constantly reminded at each step of how you're a different person than you were the day before.
there are nearly countless numbers of possibilities for whom we may find personal peace with. and some of them will wait in coffee shops, some at sporting events, some at bars, and some online, because they're just as shy about meeting people out in the open.
you'll have to learn to be honest and open. you'll have to learn to put yourself out there and just be you in such a true and honest way that when a person sees, hears, and gets to know you, there are no games, no masks, no lies to work around.
always be yourself and just have fun on the way. :)
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