Expired Dreamcatcher

so i've been dreaming lots, right?  at first, it was only work-oriented dreams that were seeping into my nightly escapades and making me forget what my work schedule is in real life.  now, i'm starting to dream up non-existent school realities. aaargh!

few weeks ago, i remember telling the hubs that i vividly dreamed i was rushing around my old high school, trying to find where my classrooms would be located for the next semester.  out of nowhere, a crazed Wolverine (not the animated one) starts smashing through walls trying to get at me, for no apparent reason but that i am always the main focus of whatever is happening in my dreams.  makes me sound like an ass......... way to go, unconscious. -_-  later that dream, once i'm in class and no longer being chased around, i distinctly remember two different teachers assigning essay assignments.  on the first day of class!  bitches.

so, the other day, my unconscious decides to vividly continue on with the direction this last dream began.  it was 8am and on the way to my first class.  it's no longer high school, by the way.  my dreams have decided that in order to make sense and confuse me, they had to occur in a college setting.  ......so no Wolverine, obviously.  anywho, so it's 8am and on the way to class, i find out from a classmate (real chick) that those 2 essays i was to assigned were due that day!!  my goddamn unconscious decided to weave dreams together!  i start freaking out, then calming down and planning my next move.  i'll simply tell the truth, tell my professors that i wasn't prepared.  i'll skip the first two classes (one essay due in each of these said classes), write write the papers, and then submit them later that day.  things like this have totally happened to me in real life, by the way.  but that is neither here nor there.

suddenly, i wake up, look at the clock, see that it's 7am, and start freaking out.  ten seconds later, i realize that i was dreaming, and that i've graduated from shit-university almost half a year ago now.

way

to

go.

freakin' unconscious makes me confuse work schedules and then makes me relive the adrenaline rushes that come with being an amazing procrastinator.

<3

PS - why the hell can't' i be a lucid dreamer?  why couldn't i just pull an Inception-trick, realize that i'm dreaming (i need a totem!), and make Wolverine undress???

No More Prime Numbers / Death Becomes Us

so, october is kind of a big deal.  it IS my birthday month (YAAAY, a prime number no longer!), i've been beyond hyped about finally getting a new tattoo, and i'm even more excited that the weather is (slowly) relaxing its heated death-grip on world!! i'll be able to start taking Wall-E out for walks again!  poor guy has been holding it in all summer.

now, when i first started thinking of what this non-fascinating things this entry would cover, i thought i'd have a good whine about how the months of november and december were going to suck.  i'll have to start paying back my student loans in november, and our lease is up in december, so we'll have to find a new place to live.  the combination of the two had slowly started to stress me out.

and then, two people died.  one was a coworker/manager who i've known for a long while, and the other was the mother of another coworker.  death doesn't freak me out or anything.  quite the opposite.  i find a sort of peace in what death entails.  there's something beautiful in the knowledge that the only absolute truth, the only guarantee, is death.

the funny thing is...it's not the actual death, but rather the reactions of everyone else that get me thinking about my own mortality.  i've been wasting my time worrying about what kind of a place i'll live in or who will live around me.  i've been wasting my time wishing i made more money, when i've never been the kind of person to give second thought to things like that, before.

and i'm ashamed of myself, honestly.  i know better than to let myself worry about things as absurd as apartments or loans or bills.  i mean, i know they're important and i know that i need a place to live and that i need to payback what's put me through school... but they're still absurd.  they're not what give me my happiness.  they're not the things that i find real meaning in.  i have someone whom i love wholeheartedly, and he loves me in return.  i am surrounded by people, physically and not.  i have an abundance of "things" and i honestly do not have a list of wants or needs.

above all, i am alive.  it is my responsibility to recognize the absurd and live experientially.  all other things are simply insubstantial and meaningless byproducts.  the poop of life, if you will.  :)

i'm not happy about these aforementioned people/friends/coworkers, but i'm also not saddened by their deaths.  there were so many people that cried and smiled and told stories... that's all anyone could ever ask for.  stories are signs of life.

i'm grateful that these deaths that have reminded me of what's important, and it is meaning with which i will fill my tattoo.

<3

PS - the head is totally not penis-shaped.  everybody wins!