turkey day lovin'

happy thanksgiving, all.  excited about hanging out with my slightly different family, today. :)

it used to be that thanksgiving was a day my dad cooked everything for everyone and make special desserts and all that jazz.  so it kind of hit everyone hard last year when he wouldn't be around to do that.  mom was scared that we wouldn't do anything at all (after years of getting together, NOT getting together is incredibly weird for my family).  so Brandon stepped up to the plate.  he cooked EVERYTHING.  it was amazing!  he poured his blood and sweat into making 37 different little things...there was so much food, it was ridiculous.  so much so, that each plate would be packed and nearly overflowing from people trying to get a little bit of everything he made.

and not everyone came.  some were uncomfortable, some were weird...no one knew how to talk to my mom or what to say...  people so were so wrapped up in how they were feeling about what was going on with my parents that they'd rather turn into ostriches than talk or deal with things openly (note to self, write about the illusion of "growing up/being grown up" another time).  but this year's different.  mom's happier than i've ever seen her, thanks to John.

John's this neat guy that mom's known for a very long while.  they used to work together a while back, so it's neat that they've reconnected.  he cares for her deeply, as she does for him.  they're both like giddy little kids.  this last saturday was their engagement party, and it was perfect.  casual, lovely, fun... and their wedding is in December!

that's right, mom's getting married. :)

so this year, i'm especially thankful for:

• John, who brought the sparkle back into my mom's eyes.  it's been a long time since i saw her so carefree and so cheerful.  there was so much hatred before, so much regret...i didn't know if she'd ever be ok.  thanks, John.

• and Brandon, for instilling a new tradition for our family and helping to act as a pin that held the fabric together back when it was falling apart.  my life is much more fun with you around, and i eagerly await the day that you and i get to have our own kickass wedding.

<3 love you guys

What's in a Name? I'll Tell Ya

i feel like ranting.  ooooh, do i ever.

i've never cared for my name.  it's weird to say.  it doesn't roll off the tongue like "heel-berrr-toh" does in spanish, but rather sounds like a mixture of lazy jumbled up sounds in english. ..."gyul-brrt."  ugh.  and believe it or not, it's never been funny when people have come up to me and said "oh!! you mean like in What's Eating Gilbert Grape ???!!" or "oh!! kind of like Dilbert, the comic!"  in fact, i hate these jokes so much that out of principle, i refuse to watch the movie.  never seen it, never will.

but i never really hated my name until just a few years ago.  my father an i have the same name.  if my father were the type of person that responsibly managed his life, as all men should, i wouldn't mind having his name.  hell, i may benefit from it.  but that is not the case, and i've had to deal with the consequences.

a few years ago, i tried to put in an application for an apartment.  the guy comes back and says that i have a history of bankruptcy on my account.  i calmly explain that my father had filed years back and that we just happen to have the same name.  he raises his voice, tells me that it was MY social that he ran, and so i can either pay an extra month's rent plus a fee, or i could leave.  i left.  (hilariously, this apartment complex is the one that Brandon lived in when i met him.  the ones i then lived in without their consent.  suck it, rude dood).

i work with the city of fort worth...same as my father.  whenever i want to send an email to someone, all i have to do is start typing a last name, and their name appears.  my father, being a supervisor (or something, i dunno) over at the municipal court, has lots of random people trying to communicate with him, all the time.  but, as the majority of people don't take 3 seconds to make sure they're sending emails to the right person,  they start typing "HERNANDEZ" and see "GILBERT" next to it, they go click-happy, and i get the emails.  lots of them.  all about municipal court crud, and warrants for arrests, and underlings talking about being granted certain days off, and HR people wanting me to show up for the managerial meetings scheduled on such-and-such date.  and so i reply, to each one, each time: "Wrong Gilbert" and not another word.  they giggle, they say oops, they apologize, but i leave it at that.

i graduated in May, which means that i expected to start receiving my student loan bills right around this time.  unfortunately, so did my father.  Nelnet, a company composed of flawed and imperfect people that make mistakes, started sending me his bills.......to my new apartment.  now, i had no idea that they were his, so i started adding up my loans and thinking i owed X-amount.  before making any payments, Brandon advised me to call and make sure they were mine.  turns out, nope.  they had my address listed as my mother's old house, while they had his address listed as my current apartment.  i made the necessary corrections to my account, BUT, because i am not the owner of HIS loans, i could not change the address on his account.  meaning, i will now receive, not only my own loans, but his, as well.

so you understand my frustrations, right?  i'm beyond eager to change my name.  my last name means nothing to me, and i have a hubs i'm crazy-noots for.  i won't change the first name (even though it sucks), because i also don't see myself as anything but a Gilbert.

my dear friends, my loved ones, my family... don't bless your child with the same name as a parent.  it brings nothing but trouble and frustration.

<3

PS - also, stay away from stupidly spelled or ridiculous names.  i will absolutely make fun of you and/or your child. (Chone [Sean], Dallas, Amerika, Will.i.am)

home is where the heart and all our stuff is

oh daaaaaaamn, it's been a long and worrisome few months.  or year-point-five, even.  it just feels like we've been swirling around in seemingly bad luck for a while.  moving to new states, growing pains, apartment break-ins, family drama, jobless-ness, work burnout, depression, finding new homes, and death.  we've had so much to deal with on our shoulders, all at once or right after another, that it feels as if much more time has passed.  this house...it's gonna be a lot of work.  there are walls to paint, floors to completely redo, a shower to rebuild, an a/c unit that will very likely give out soon if it hasn't already, countless holes to patch, and doors to replace.

but it'll finally be our place!  wall-e will have a small yard to run around and play in, we can play the drums, sing, hell...even go to the bathroom without having to hear our neighbors flush their toilets.  i'm excited about not having most of our things in storage...we'll be able to set up and decorate from scratch...a place that'll feel like us.

but most of all, i feel like it's a fresh start.  i think we've gotten so bogged down lately, that we haven't really been ourselves.  we haven't been comfortable.  and unfortunately, when i say "we," i mean "i."  the hubs is a stresser - it's what he does.  he stresses about money, he stresses about the economy, he stresses about our friendships... and i'm a calmer.  i calm him down when he worries, i cheer up friends when they're down, and i try to remind people to smile, 'cause we're all gonna die one day, so we may as well smile on the way there.  but...every now and then, the backpack gets a little heavy and the littlest thing'll knock me over.

and so i apologize.

i apologize to my friends for being quite the shitty friend, this year.  i want to see you more often.  i promise i will make more of an effort for you.  i will be there for you


i apologize to my family for not being there when you needed me.  i will make more time for you.  i will be there for you.

i apologize to my husband.  i've been detached.  i haven't smiled as often for you.  i love you, and i always will.  i am here for you.

and i apologize to myself.  i have neglected my sanity.  i have stopped focusing on the beautiful things and had become overly apathetic.  i will smile more.  i will be more honest.  i will make more music.  i will sing more often.  i will draw.  i will make more time for me.

didn't mean for this to turn...mopey or anything.  but getting this house, beginning this new stage in our lives, and thinking a lot about where my life is going has forced me to re-evaluate everything lately.  this will serve as a new year's resolution of sorts, too, i guess.  i haven't felt the need to make one of those in a very long time.  but now's a good as time as any to break everything down and begin to rebuild.

<3

PS - @kadielynn83: thank you for reminding me of what's important.