No More Prime Numbers / Death Becomes Us

so, october is kind of a big deal.  it IS my birthday month (YAAAY, a prime number no longer!), i've been beyond hyped about finally getting a new tattoo, and i'm even more excited that the weather is (slowly) relaxing its heated death-grip on world!! i'll be able to start taking Wall-E out for walks again!  poor guy has been holding it in all summer.

now, when i first started thinking of what this non-fascinating things this entry would cover, i thought i'd have a good whine about how the months of november and december were going to suck.  i'll have to start paying back my student loans in november, and our lease is up in december, so we'll have to find a new place to live.  the combination of the two had slowly started to stress me out.

and then, two people died.  one was a coworker/manager who i've known for a long while, and the other was the mother of another coworker.  death doesn't freak me out or anything.  quite the opposite.  i find a sort of peace in what death entails.  there's something beautiful in the knowledge that the only absolute truth, the only guarantee, is death.

the funny thing is...it's not the actual death, but rather the reactions of everyone else that get me thinking about my own mortality.  i've been wasting my time worrying about what kind of a place i'll live in or who will live around me.  i've been wasting my time wishing i made more money, when i've never been the kind of person to give second thought to things like that, before.

and i'm ashamed of myself, honestly.  i know better than to let myself worry about things as absurd as apartments or loans or bills.  i mean, i know they're important and i know that i need a place to live and that i need to payback what's put me through school... but they're still absurd.  they're not what give me my happiness.  they're not the things that i find real meaning in.  i have someone whom i love wholeheartedly, and he loves me in return.  i am surrounded by people, physically and not.  i have an abundance of "things" and i honestly do not have a list of wants or needs.

above all, i am alive.  it is my responsibility to recognize the absurd and live experientially.  all other things are simply insubstantial and meaningless byproducts.  the poop of life, if you will.  :)

i'm not happy about these aforementioned people/friends/coworkers, but i'm also not saddened by their deaths.  there were so many people that cried and smiled and told stories... that's all anyone could ever ask for.  stories are signs of life.

i'm grateful that these deaths that have reminded me of what's important, and it is meaning with which i will fill my tattoo.

<3

PS - the head is totally not penis-shaped.  everybody wins!

Eveything Eventually

my tattoo sketches are finally done! the concept was easy to come up with, but it's taken me a while to get juuuuust the right design. the hubs didn't care for most of my sketches at home, and at work, i had my lovely coworker Evelyn to judge them harshly. afterall, this one's gonna be visible, so i didn't want to sketch something that people are gonna go "durr, that looks like insert-something-stupid-here."

so, ok! i was originally looking up sketch-ideas for an ouroboros design. the ouroboros is supposed to represent, not only the undestroyable "origin" of things that recreates and sustains itself, but also the unchanged and untarnished "child" that exists within people. in searching for images of the ouroboros, i came across someone's rendering of a quetzalcoatl in ouroboros-form. the mesoamerican god's name translates to the "feathered serpant," so i started sketching feather-y like snakes, but i couldn't really find one that i liked. i kept finding dragon-looking heads and weird statuesque faces that looked like snake-monkeys.

last thing i need is this friendly doofus staring at me, everyday

finally, i decided to start taking more creative license with the design. i don't know why i hadn't before... i used to sketch and draw stuff a long while back, but i haven't really busted out any sketchbooks in a very long time. i'm not one to really feel like drawing when i'm in a non-depressive mood. emo...i know.

unfortunately, the sketches i was coming up with sucked. really bad. i came up with the perfect head-design, but the part of the tattoo that would connect said head to the rest of the body kept turning out like other crap. i tried designing wings with a celtic knot-esque design, but they looked like a raabit face. i made the entire torso design out of triangles and sharp spokes and Evelyn said it looked like i'd drawn the Decepticon logo from Transformers. DEFINITELY the last thing i want is for everyone to see my tattoo and go "YES! Transformers!!" now, i love me some Transformers... but i don't want them on my person without my permission.

so i did the mopey thing a couple of days ago...came home and tore up the page i'd been sketching on. i took out my old sketchbooks for the first time in 73 years and started flipping through the pages. not to say that i was any good back then, but holy shit, it's as if i'd completely forgotten how to do anything with a pencil in my hand. i stayed up drawing that night, and now i have my perfect tattoo sketch.

i used to draw feathers and wings aaaall the time

my tattoo will start on the top of my left foot and slowly wrap around my ankle 1.5 times, while slightly rising, and finishing on the back of my leg.

i kind of like the contrast between this tattoo and the last. the one on my back is personal and its meaning lies between my partner and i. this one's included everyone in its creation, and everyone will be able to see it (especially since i looove to wear shorts and sandals all year round ^_^).

the most exciting thing is that the hubs seems to finally be on board.  after more of his usual moaning-and-groaning, i told him that he'd better learn to be ok with it, since it was going to happen whether he wanted it or not, and that it was, above all things, permanent.  he surprised me by stating that he'd probably like it once it was actually on me, and that my design was kinda cool.  i also told him that i'm going to go super nerdy with the next tattoos, but that can wait for next year's birthday. giddy giddy me!

<3

PS, everyone at work liked my tattoo idea!!  Evelyn did too, though she said the head reminded her of a penis. i'm ok with that. ;)

Dreamscapes and Permanent Symbols

so i don't normally remember my dreams. i vividly remember many more dreams from when i was a young'n than any recent ones (though...that's probably 'cause most of those were terrifying and traumatic nightmares). however, i guess my crazy sleep schedule has caused my brain to suddenly attribute some importance to what it spews up at night. in the last 3 days, i've recalled being chased around my high school by Wolverine (not a sexual dream, regrettably -_-), and losing one of my earrings.

the former was just weird and random, and i didn't try to read anything into it, but the latter really freaked me out. i woke up unsure of whether it had happened or not and hesitantly reached up to feel if it was still there or not. my earrings are very special to me. i wear one black one on my left ear and one silver one on my right ear as constant reminders of a need for "balance." i never switch them out and i never wear anything else - they're very important to me.

and while we're on the topic of body alterations... i told myself when i was but a wee-little gay boy that i wanted to do something special for myself every birthday since i turned 18. that day, i got my cartilage pierced (this has since been removed 'cause the hubs didn't care for it. not too special. it's ok). when i was 19, i got my two regular ear-piercings. and at 20, i got a tattoo on my upper back. BUT, i haven't done anything since! so, this year, i've told myself that i will not waiver from my original plan and i've been working on various tattoo ideas. i've been going over them with the hubs, 'cause, even though i know it's my body and all that blah-blah stuff, i respect his opinion and i won't get anything that he wouldn't like.



i've come up with a few ideas, but i'm PRETTY sure i've decided on which one i'll be getting next. i'm really excited!! the idea i have will be a little less...hidden...than my previous one. *nerdy squeal*


finally, i think Gears of War 3 came out today. i'm so angry with myself for never having played the series. i did see a GoW1+2 pack at Gamestop a few weeks ago, so i think that'll be the first thing i pick up. then, depending on whether i like the series or not, i'll either continue with it, or switch over and buy that one zombie game that everyone (except me) is playing.


i haven't touched my Xbox for anything other than Netflix in weeks. how shameful.

<3


PS, i don't want to say much on this topic... but i'd totally get someone fired for doing/saying something insulting and unethical, regardless of the fact that they're close to retirement. age doesn't supersede propriety. i guess that makes me a bad person (it doesn't).