Death, Again

today marks the second time, this year, that i've lost family.  i will not wear black, not because of his imperfection, but because he was happy and he smiled while he lived.

this man taught me to eat dessert before a meal, so that, if i happened to be full after said meal, i wouldn't go without dessert.

this man and i shared a love of the water.

this man smiled like the light, surrounded by people that would take advantage of him.

this man's machismo reflected his place in history, in time itself, but i'd seen his tears, and this meant a great deal to me.

this man was a proud and sarcastic wise-ass, very unlike myself.

this man was misunderstood for decades.  his story was misquoted without his knowing, without his being there to rewrite it, and so i write this because i love him, and i know better.  i don't think there will be a huge service in his honor, with family traveling to see his calm and featureless face.  what he wants won't be done...he'll be returned to the earth, rather than to the winds, and in a place far away from where he'd expressed he'd rather be.

but again, he was happy and he smiled while he lived.  what happens now is more us than them - the dead do not care where they sleep, nor to where they scatter.  but i'll preserve the memory.

i love you,

your "john lennon" <3

Death in the Work Family

recently, a dear coworker came in and asked me for help in opening a message on a cellphone and translating it.  she explains that the phone belonged to her son, who just passed away.

*gut-wrench*

the day before the death had been her other son's birthday.  while everyone was out having a good time, Ricky spent most of the day at home with her.  he left late into the night to go meet up with them and say hi, mostly, as he was an introverted and shy kind of guy.  after a short while, everyone decides to go home, and Ricky's driving by himself, in front of the small caravan of family and friends.  he'd had nothing to drink and he always drove the speed limit.

on the way home, a girl, playfully driving her car back and forth across the lanes slammed into his car.  his car failed to deploy air-bags, and so Ricky died immediately from a snapped neck, without any marks left on his body.

my coworker talked to me about it and how she'd reacted.  she talked about how disgusting it feels that there is no name for what has happened... "<when a person loses their parents, they become orphans...and when they lose their spouse, they become widowed...but there is no term for losing a child.  it's not something that anyone should ever go through.>"

i asked her if he was a happy person, and she told me how, even though he was shy and not so outgoing, he enjoyed music, always laughed, and loved to eat candy.  his brother told her that, though he felt nervous and clumsy around them, he had even danced with a girl that night.  he was happy.

i cried with her, bringing myself as close as humanly possible to feeling what she felt without having experienced the same thing, and she told me to love my family and friends, because at any moment, i may not have another chance to say hello, goodbye, or i love you.

and so, to my friends and family, hello, goodbye, and i love you.  i ask that you share the same message with your friends, your family, and your loved ones.  at any moment, any of our existences may come to an end.  and death is beautiful...it is the only absolute truth, the one thing each of us are guaranteed.  however, sometimes sweet death comes to kiss our foreheads and still our drumming hearts sooner than we had planned.

my friend felt comfort in feeling that her son was in a good place and she finds strength sometimes, in knowing that he wouldn't be happy seeing her not eat, not sleep, not live... and i smile, happy that such thoughts keep her from falling apart.

but i do not believe in an afterlife.  i do not believe in heaven, hell, or **insert name for what-comes-after**.  i do not believe in anything other than what we are experiencing as life, now, because they are unknowable, and because they are unknowable, they do not matter - they are distractions from the present. 

i beg you, from the deepest places in my heart, i beg you, don't waste your time thinking of the future or looking back into the past.  live each day purposefully, with self-appointed meaning, and share experiences with those that you love.  we have infinitely small amounts of time and space at our disposal, and if, in the end, there is in fact nothing but a simple halt in continuity, we will all wish we had kissed once more, hugged even tighter, and danced a little longer.

please, take care. <3

No More Prime Numbers / Death Becomes Us

so, october is kind of a big deal.  it IS my birthday month (YAAAY, a prime number no longer!), i've been beyond hyped about finally getting a new tattoo, and i'm even more excited that the weather is (slowly) relaxing its heated death-grip on world!! i'll be able to start taking Wall-E out for walks again!  poor guy has been holding it in all summer.

now, when i first started thinking of what this non-fascinating things this entry would cover, i thought i'd have a good whine about how the months of november and december were going to suck.  i'll have to start paying back my student loans in november, and our lease is up in december, so we'll have to find a new place to live.  the combination of the two had slowly started to stress me out.

and then, two people died.  one was a coworker/manager who i've known for a long while, and the other was the mother of another coworker.  death doesn't freak me out or anything.  quite the opposite.  i find a sort of peace in what death entails.  there's something beautiful in the knowledge that the only absolute truth, the only guarantee, is death.

the funny thing is...it's not the actual death, but rather the reactions of everyone else that get me thinking about my own mortality.  i've been wasting my time worrying about what kind of a place i'll live in or who will live around me.  i've been wasting my time wishing i made more money, when i've never been the kind of person to give second thought to things like that, before.

and i'm ashamed of myself, honestly.  i know better than to let myself worry about things as absurd as apartments or loans or bills.  i mean, i know they're important and i know that i need a place to live and that i need to payback what's put me through school... but they're still absurd.  they're not what give me my happiness.  they're not the things that i find real meaning in.  i have someone whom i love wholeheartedly, and he loves me in return.  i am surrounded by people, physically and not.  i have an abundance of "things" and i honestly do not have a list of wants or needs.

above all, i am alive.  it is my responsibility to recognize the absurd and live experientially.  all other things are simply insubstantial and meaningless byproducts.  the poop of life, if you will.  :)

i'm not happy about these aforementioned people/friends/coworkers, but i'm also not saddened by their deaths.  there were so many people that cried and smiled and told stories... that's all anyone could ever ask for.  stories are signs of life.

i'm grateful that these deaths that have reminded me of what's important, and it is meaning with which i will fill my tattoo.

<3

PS - the head is totally not penis-shaped.  everybody wins!