Little Old Ladies / Be Bigger People

A few days ago, we had a pretty exciting day at the library.  We held a Performer's Showcase, where people from all over got to come and show their stuff to, not only members of the public, but to any other group or organization that could make use of their talents and services.  My personal favorites of the large group were the handwriting analyst, and the lady with the three-toed sloth, armadillo, and a monkey (A MONKEY!).

Anywho, so it was a busy day of making sure everyone was taken care of, accounted for, handouts, numbers, stats, etc etc, and I was happiest doing what I do best - escorting little old ladies back to their vehicles and assisting them in whatever way possible.  Only...one particular little old lady saddened my day when she asked me, sadly and seriously: "I have an Obama sticker on my car... is that OK?"

I turned to and giggled a bit, because I thought it was sweet and funny that she'd ask.  "Of course it is!"  I offered her the greatest smile I could, showing both sincerity and even the slightest hint of a similar preference.

"Well..." she paused "I was a bit worried about it."

When I asked her why she'd ever worry about it, she told me that, on the way home, she has to pass through a particular area where truckers frequent.  "I get a lot of them honking their horns and giving me the finger.  A lot of them.  ...My husband worries about me."  This little old lady had to ask me if it was alright that she had an Obama sticker on her car, because I was helping her carry her things and I would undoubtedly see it.

My heart broke.

Please make it a point to keep from insulting anyone and make it a point to not judge what your friends or members of the general public personally believe.  I've held my tongue when some of my friends have publicly said unnecessarily cruel or insulting things because of  whomever or whatever it is they choose to believe, but I'm tired of it.  I'm tired of seeing hurt feelings and worried looks.  I'm tired of people hiding behind the freedoms of speech and thinking that it translates to a freedom to be inhuman.

I assume that people are passionate about whatever their beliefs are because they inherently want the best, and they fear that any belief otherwise may not meet that raised bar.  Please understand that people that believe something opposite a personal stance may also want the same thing.

...If only people were as selfless as that.  If only I could actually believe that people would put the constitution first, because of what it represents, not because of whom it benefits.  If only people would worry more about where the uneducated children of today will stumble with all their school budgets and programs slashed, as opposed to re-elections and overflowing wallets.

At the end of 8th grade, an English teacher wrote all of her classes a letter.  I don't remember much of it, save for one line: "...be people of integrity."  The line always resonated with me, because I felt it was hypocritical - she was the same teacher that never said anything while others picked on me in class.

Now, I want to repeat it with the hope that it will resonate with someone else.

Be people of integrity.  Let this foolishness of gnawing away at each other like base animals filled with selfish drive and instinct end.

"If you can't say something nice..." / Why You Should've Cared

For the most part, I tried (really really hard) not to post anything personal about that entire chicken debacle, save for a few minor discussions with some friends.  However, I read a comment a couple of days ago that finally shattered the camel's back... and I needed to write and hope that people listen.

i think gay people should be shot.

To many, that was just another bigoted and hateful thing to say... and some people will go on, blissfully unaware of the gravitas of such comments.

You see, sometimes, when people say horribly inane, bigoted, and hateful things... people listen.  People hear things like that, and sometimes, whether things are said in jest or not, they're taken seriously.  In fact, it doesn't even matter if the things said weren't threatening or murder-related... all it takes is a personal opinion or point of view that expresses highly polarizing sentiment for people to react.

I want some of you to close your eyes and imagine a line of cars, curling around a building and down a road. Now, I want you to imagine hundreds, maybe thousands, of similar images, at one time, in the same way that one might stare into a swarm of ants and understand that there are more moving creatures than can be counted at that one instance.

Now imagine that every one of those people are lining up, because they agree with a particular expressed sentiment, and said sentiment happens to be against you.

That's how I felt, when I turned on the TV and saw tons of cars lined up to defend someone's hurtful opinions.  But most of all, my heart broke because I had family members and friends in those lines.  Someone said something hurtful, and rather than stand up for me, because I ached, people that know me instead chose to defend people they don't.

If this was all just about freedoms of speech, it wouldn't have been such a huge deal.  But many people just don't understand.  They don't understand how opinions can affect so many people so, so deeply.  Opinions  create the air that all of society breathes... regardless of what side.

For example: an amazing friend of mine has a strong allergic reaction twice a year, in tune with the changing seasons.  Since middle school, he's had to deal with these rashes that would painfully bubble, bleed, blister, and crack, and any doctors and dermatologists that his family would take him to see would tell him that it was all due to anxiety and stress.  Unfortunately, he could only attribute any and all stresses in his existence - those resulting from being picked on, constantly hiding tears, being hatefully bullied - to being gay.  And so, this friend of mine spent decades attributing this allergic reaction to his sexual orientation, and feeling like he could never talk to anyone about it.

But you see, there are millions of variations on this story, because there are millions of people that have felt the effect of the disgusting stigma.  I have friends that were forced to leave home, before they were of age.  I have friends that have attempted suicide.

One story comes from home...

Brandon and I were both raised Catholic, and we were both very devout kids.  When we realized we were different, he went to speak to his priest and I to my youth leader.  We both received the same pamphlets that taught us that we, as homosexuals, were accepted by the church as naturally occurring.  However, we were never to act on our impulses - we had been called to lead a "special life."

So, a flesh-rending dichotomy was then born within my soul:  I was both an incredibly devout child of god, from whom I craved infinite understanding and love and a monstrous pariah, undeserving of such attention.  I developed an impossibly ferocious and abysmally deep self-loathing, and it took years before I could begin to see myself as a person... and even longer before I could love myself.

However, my best friend and partner in life has recently told me that, until recently, he'd felt that as though a part of who we are together, a dynamic shared by us, was innately sin.

And my heart broke.

My heart broke for him, for ever having to suffer that sort of ridiculous nonsense.  My heart broke for us...I mean imagine trying to cultivate and nurture a relationship, when a Half felt (perhaps unconsciously, if not actively) that there was something innately wrong with the Whole.

And my heart hurt for every little boy or girl who's ever had to grow up internalizing such a terrible stigma.  For boys and girls who've ever had to hide who they were, from peers, from classmates, from teachers, from family, from society.

For the teenage girls that were recently shot in the face, or for the one beaten by a group of adult men until more of her blood poured onto the floor than an onlooker had ever seen.  And for all the stories that haven't made it to the news.

YOU. ARE NOT.  SIN.  Whether your family, your friends, your community, your government, or even other members of the GLBT community do not support or empathize with you, you are perfect as you are.  You are beautiful.

I want people to understand that when people speak their minds, be they Chuck Norris, rap artists, ignorant misspellings on Facebook, or popular restaurants, others listen and react.  People are affected across time, for decades, and the effects are incredibly damaging.  They may not always be direct causes, but they do not help.  It's time for old stigmas to disappear and opinions to change and it's time for my brothers and sisters to stop living in fear of rejection, severed ties, and blood.

Stand up for what is right, next time.

faggotry

about time i felt the urge to herbal write something, if a bit ranty.  i know i'd said that i'd create a before-and-after of the house and all the stuff we've been working on... and i still will!!  i just want to wait 'til there's more done.  then i'll create one big post about it.  but, today, i feel like birthing a little bit of my irritation and pain through words.  beautiful, placenta-covered words.

many times now, i've stumbled across the word "faggot" on facebook, on various people's statuses and comments, and 2 instances have vividly stayed with me.  in one, a cousin of mine, in an attempt to make a point via social media, posted a picture comparing Steve Jobs to Dennis Ritchie.  the picture itself just tells of how little the latter was recognized at death, even though he had so much to do with so many things, while the former was elevated to pope-status.  this in itself, obviously, does not bother me, but the caption of "Steve Jobs = Faggot" did.  obviously, Steve Jobs was no homosexual, and the word was (probably?) not said with that particular connotation in mind.  but i saw it, and it sort of hurt.  i don't personally care for Steve Jobs, but i'm sort of sure it that it wasn't his fault that more people didn't know about Dennis.  i'm even going to go out on a limb here and say that i'm pretty sure that he did nothing to stop the world from knowing Dennis or being aware of Dennis' death while at his own deathbed.  just reading that caption was enough to grab my attention.  and not in the oh-yay-i-looked-at-the-pic kind of way.

the second event in which the word "faggot" was used hit me even harder than the first.  an acquaintance of my brother's posted a picture of him making some kind of goofy face, as usual.  comments, however, were directed at the gentleman sitting behind him, with his legs crossed in that stereotypically uncharacteristic-of-a-male way.  and someone called him a fag.  i didn't say anything, as it wasn't a friend of mine.  i've never met the person, nor have i established any other connection, where i felt i could say something and then expect to be listened to.  but you know what i thought?

what if that was me?  what if i happen to be in the background of some random person's photo, and i'm smiling just a bit too happily at the hubs while we're at lunch?  what if i'm enjoying a beer while we hang out at our local delicious food place, and i also happen to cross my legs in that same stereotypically uncharacteristic-of-a-male way?  and what if those people share that photo and made fun of me and called me a fag to all their friends through use of social media?  i may never hear it or know of it, in the same way that this kid in the pic probably won't ever hear or know of it.  but someone else would, just like i did.  and someone else would hurt, just like i did.

i should've said something.  it hurt, but my thoughts instead told me to keep from causing some kind of childish fight on the internet.  so i'm choosing to do this instead.  and i posted something else, just before this, to act as a stand alone statement:

"listen my friends and family, every time you use the word FAGGOT, i want you to envision yourself saying it to me. every time you call some kid, or some loser, or some nerd, regardless of the reason, a FAGGOT, i want you to remember that the word has been used against me. 

if, as my friends and family, you can still stand to say the word... if you can, as my friends and family, still refuse to hear the word and not say anything... then please let me know. so that i may immediately sever all ties with you.  you don't deserve to be friend or family if you can still stand to say/hear the word and think of me, and feel nothing."

a bit preachy, i suppose, but i'm gonna stick by it.  i don't usually get preachy and post things like that on FB, as a large percentage of my connections there are family, but this had been bubbling up for a while.

let's see what

so it's way passed my bedtime.  let's finish off (ha!) this post with a smile. <3